Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
