Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
