I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize