He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
