I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize