careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
what day is it and did you see me today?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
