just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize