turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
