after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize