I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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