You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
