i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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