Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
