im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
