I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
