Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
