Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
