Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
