We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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