cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
