just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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