I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
