um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
