her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
how does that bad decision feel?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
