Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
