Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
