so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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