I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
