I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
