drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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