why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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