There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
