my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize