i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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