He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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