Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
