who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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