He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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