dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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