I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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