get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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