She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
