When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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