Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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