My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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