Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
