i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
