It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
