i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize