I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
