If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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