i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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