speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
