Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize