I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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