Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
