I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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