I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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