youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
